I began this journal in 2009 when I learned I was “in” the
closet and damned well should be “out.” Previously, I didn’t know I was “in”
and so felt no need to be out. When my hetero marriage ended with, “I’m a
Sunday School teacher and can’t be married to a gay man…” Damn, she was right!
My own epiphany flashed on me, and I came heels-over-head, tumbling out of the
closet.
I stopped chronicling my progress with several justifications.
At some level, my ongoing voyage of discovery became too personal, self-indulgent,
and often simply too much information of a sexual nature. There exists a thin
line between chronicle and flat-out porn.
I also rationalized that “out” is an ongoing and daily
process…mundane and banal. It’s just life, after all, and nothing special to
anyone perhaps, but me. I figured now that I’m out I don’t need to keep
processing. I would just enjoy life, live in the moment and explore a world
that weighs less on my shoulders than the old one.
Enjoy I did…and am and will, and it only gets better. The
last two un-blogged years have enriched my life, which is by no means to say
all questions are resolved and all choices simple. It’s an ongoing deal, and
the substance of living. It is not only a gay man that questions and examines life;
it is every man…or it should be.
I had not visited Out
in thin air for over two years. When I reached the site and tried to sign
in, it was registered to an email I haven’t used in over a year. I had
forgotten my password and it took several hours of mind-numbing online finagling
to be able to post a new entry. Then, of course, I had to go write that new
entry to see if it all worked. That is the crux move.
Now I pace back and forth and ponder why I thought to resuscitate
the blog. What the hell will I say? What is my motivation for attempting again
to write about me and gay, myself as homosexual? I can only assume that porn is
so much easier.
I think my motivation lies in an accumulation of experience,
and having met several remarkable, inspiring and thoroughly desirable men. That
is how I accumulate experience. I continue to discover a multitude of wonderful
experiences on the path to discovering those which are most memorable.
Distilling that experience into something worth writing is
the goal. Success and sustainability will be in the doing, observation the
watchword. Maybe the thin air is getting to me. Maybe I’m just blowing smoke.
