There is a big difference between being gay and acting gay. In Coming Out: An Act of Love by Rob Eichberg, one correspondent said, “I can choose to act gay, I cannot choose to be gay.”
Being gay is something we come to terms with in our own heads. Most gay men know of their same sex attraction early in life. They acknowledge they are gay, and recognize they will be gay during their lifetimes. The first step in coming out as gay involves admitting one’s homosexuality to one’s own self. This step was easier for me because I recognized myself as bisexual and loved it. Homosexual was a refinement that has increased and decreased over time.
Acting gay—acting out—isn’t necessarily about assuming effeminate mannerisms and speech, or dressing and otherwise carrying on flamboyantly. Acting gay is the act of enjoying sex with other men, the proof in the pudding. It is the physical, intellectual and perhaps spiritual attraction. It is the actual carnal act of enjoying sexual relations with another man.
Acting gay is a choice. As many gay men do, we can suppress our urge to act gay and stay in the closet. Even admitting to ourselves and others that we are gay, for whatever reasons, we may choose not to indulge our same-sex attraction. Alternatively, we can make the choice to act on our attractions, to seek and enjoy sex with men.
For me, acting gay was obvious, exciting and by no means difficult. At first, during my second coming out, I felt guilty about having sex with another man. Then I said to myself, “It’s okay; this is what gay men do. I am gay so I can accept and enjoy this pleasure.”
The dichotomy between being and acting is perhaps more poignant to a married man coming out to his wife. For example, after anguish and soul-searching, he can finally admit his orientation to his wife. The wife can accept that her husband is gay as long as he remains faithful and doesn’t act on his inclinations. He can be gay, but he can’t act gay. Depending on the individuals, the nature of their relationship, and boundaries and logistics they define, this can be tortuous or liberating.
One friend advised me on coming out, that once the door was cracked open I would come out with…uh, enthusiasm. That advice has proven correct in being and acting, out and sometimes loud. Actions speak.
Being gay is something we come to terms with in our own heads. Most gay men know of their same sex attraction early in life. They acknowledge they are gay, and recognize they will be gay during their lifetimes. The first step in coming out as gay involves admitting one’s homosexuality to one’s own self. This step was easier for me because I recognized myself as bisexual and loved it. Homosexual was a refinement that has increased and decreased over time.
Acting gay—acting out—isn’t necessarily about assuming effeminate mannerisms and speech, or dressing and otherwise carrying on flamboyantly. Acting gay is the act of enjoying sex with other men, the proof in the pudding. It is the physical, intellectual and perhaps spiritual attraction. It is the actual carnal act of enjoying sexual relations with another man.
Acting gay is a choice. As many gay men do, we can suppress our urge to act gay and stay in the closet. Even admitting to ourselves and others that we are gay, for whatever reasons, we may choose not to indulge our same-sex attraction. Alternatively, we can make the choice to act on our attractions, to seek and enjoy sex with men.
For me, acting gay was obvious, exciting and by no means difficult. At first, during my second coming out, I felt guilty about having sex with another man. Then I said to myself, “It’s okay; this is what gay men do. I am gay so I can accept and enjoy this pleasure.”
The dichotomy between being and acting is perhaps more poignant to a married man coming out to his wife. For example, after anguish and soul-searching, he can finally admit his orientation to his wife. The wife can accept that her husband is gay as long as he remains faithful and doesn’t act on his inclinations. He can be gay, but he can’t act gay. Depending on the individuals, the nature of their relationship, and boundaries and logistics they define, this can be tortuous or liberating.
One friend advised me on coming out, that once the door was cracked open I would come out with…uh, enthusiasm. That advice has proven correct in being and acting, out and sometimes loud. Actions speak.
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