Light in the heart of darkness

Dallas? Like in Dallas, Texas? That’s the place where a misbegotten soul assassinated one American president, and where another president—misbegotten himself—finds refuge in the heart of darkness.

Yet deep in the heart of Dallas there is a neighborhood called Oaklawn, which shines a bright light in the midst of an otherwise bible-belt, mega-church congregation. Maybe I’m being too harsh; to be honest, I did not wander far or sample amenities such a large and diverse community must have to offer.

Oaklawn is an active and mature gay enclave. I recently visited the Oaklawn “gayborhood” with a group of men I joined when my marriage went south because I am gay. Men in our group have lots in common: being gay and having travelled similar paths. To me, the gay part is special; being part—even temporarily—of a larger gay community is liberating and enabling.

As I define my out of the closet path, I experience a gestalt so much more fulfilling than quickie, hook-up sex I sought when in the closet. I enjoy walking down the street holding hands or sharing a kiss in public. I can enjoy being with a bunch of gay men or my boyfriend. I can be with another man with whom I feel an attachment, with whom I am bonded, and I don’t have to hide it.

Among a community of gay men, no one stares, no one makes rude comments and everyone understands. Like-minded souls embrace my feelings and my passions. These are rewards for coming out of the closet and living an honest and authentic life. This is practically unique in my experience, because no matter how far out of the closet I travel, I cannot experience that freedom at home where I live.

That is absolutely not to say I would move from my home here at the head of the draw to an urban neighborhood where I could more openly celebrate my sexuality. In all this coming-out-sexuality talk, it is easy to lose sight of the fact that sexuality is only one part—albeit sometimes all-consuming—of the whole that is me. I ski…and I am gay. I frequent rarified ridges…and I do so as a gay man. I annoy my horses, and they don’t give a damn one way or another whether I am gay or not…but of course, I am.

Back home now, far from the heart of darkness, I am in another enclave. My place is by no means gay, but instead is a recreation archipelago that celebrates mountains and nature, clean air and water, solitude, prospect and refuge. I have left my gay community behind for the time being, and no question: I miss it. But I am happy in my chosen place. I am content as a gay man because no matter where I go, there I am.

Glass slipper

Having labored so long under the cruel stepsisters of heterosexual relationships, my prince finally fitted me with a glass slipper of love and companionship. My transformation involves an epiphany of truly life-changing proportions. Although I expected my coming out would change things, I wasn’t entirely prepared for the depth of feeling I am experiencing.

He told me I would begin to experience feelings, recognize nuances and notice differences in the way I perceive other men and the way they perceive me. My feelings have transitioned from yearning for clandestine, transitory and often somewhat insalubrious experience, to deeper sexual understanding created by friendship and companionship. Although there remains certain appeal, I no longer seek strictly one-night stands, quickies and hook-ups. I have discovered more complex and satisfying feelings, and find myself quite taken with them.

Ah, nuance: tricky stuff. We un-reconstructed hippies call it a vibe. As an out, gay man I find myself more keenly attuned to different vibes. Certainly there is the question, when I meet an acquaintance on the street, of whether or not they know I am gay. Sometimes that vibe is easy to discern. If I sense, for example, a tentativeness or outright stand-offishness, I know they know and either don’t approve or don’t understand how to deal with it. I find myself highly sensitive to homophobia. In other people I sense approval and happiness for me. Yet others simply don’t want to know about my sexuality—too much information—a penchant I completely understand.

Finally, there are differences in the way I perceive other men and they way they perceive me. Some call this “gaydar.” In the microcosm of my small community, I find all too few blips on the gaydar screen. Even so, I celebrate my growing awareness of other men, but am careful, knowing most of them don’t share my predilections. It is my hope that as my gaydar becomes more sensitive, I can more easily distinguish those who are comfortable with me and my gayness.

I am on a new and exciting learning curve, surrounded by fresh feelings and harbingers of a wonderful new way of being me. Yes, I am still the old me, but now there is so much more. Born again like Cinderella on the half-shell, the glass slipper fits really well. However, I will have to fit it with waffle-stomper soles in order to negotiate the rocks and ice.

Enthusiasm of inexperience

I haven’t been there as much as I’d like to have been, and I haven’t done that, at least not enough to call myself comprehensively experienced. More than one forever-gay friend has told me my enthusiasm would easily outstrip my experience and they were correct. I was forewarned…but I haven’t let that slow me down.

Instead, I’m like that kid in a candy store where I want to sample every sweet-tasting candy stick in those tall glass jars behind the counter. The clerk warns me all that candy will damage my teeth and even wiser counsel suggests I will spoil my dinner. I don’t give a tinker’s damn about dinner in the short run; there is no question that I am a total slut for immediate gratification. I almost always fill up on appetizers…or candy, as the case may be.

I approach my quest for experience with an enthusiasm seldom even remembered by those who long ago allowed wonder and novelty to fade. My newfound sexual liberation and empowerment manifest as freedom to meet and enjoy the company of men on a level I never previously imagined…and I’m diggin’ it. Does this make me overly promiscuous? Well, perhaps not overly; maybe just a little bit.

Promiscuity carries with it numerical requirements better realized in a bigger pond. Thus, my enthusiasm is constrained by geography, which I believe is keeping me out of trouble. Given my inexperience and apparently boundless enthusiasm, I undoubtedly would land myself in less than savory circumstances. Regardless, I’m always looking for ways to increase my travel budget because the best candy stores are some distance away.

If all these metaphors are confusing, I’ll try to be clear. Compared to many, I am a relatively inexperienced, newly out, gay man. Yet my enthusiasm is that of an adolescent. In seeking to broaden my experience, if I didn’t live at the head of the draw I would be considerably more sexually active.

As it is, I travel to meet male friends. Therefore, I have plenty of windshield time to ponder and fantasize my actions, and my carbon footprint sucks. But I am one enthusiastic lover after the rubber leaves the road and the engine is ticking as it cools. There I go with the metaphors again.

Thousand-pound gorilla-Part I

Monogamy, my failure to sustain it, has caused me nothing but trouble throughout my life...think track record. I have attempted heterosexual monogamy since puberty and failed miserably. That is very possibly because I was attempting heterosexual anything. My failure caused pain for both my erstwhile partners and for me. Self-imposed pain is mine to deal with, but I cannot so easily dismiss pain I caused others…think bad karma.

Entering the seventh decade of my life, my impulse is to eschew monogamy altogether. That impulse flies in the face of conventional wisdom which dictates that as we age, we must have a partner to take care of us. I am luckier than most in that I believe I have a safety net. They say it takes a village to nurture a child; I hope it also takes a village to nurture an old dude.

That said, I must identify characteristics of a relationship that I do want. Internet hook-up sites abound with relationship descriptions and acronyms: no strings attached (NSA), long-term relationship (LTR), closed-loop relationships (CLR) for married men, fuck-buddies, friends with benefits and the rest. Since monogamy doesn’t blow my skirt up, which of these suits me?

Furthermore, since I started writing this, events outpaced me. That is to say, I started about monogamy--or not--but before I finished writing, I expanded my understanding of what gay relationships can be. Now I must apply new considerations; with new understanding, should I, would I, could I be monogamous?

I think down the road, maybe so. But admittedly monogamy is not who I am right now, nor is it consistent with my progression out of the closet. It would be self-defeating to jump into monogamy before I learn more about who I am as a gay man.

Conversely, being a gay boyfriend with someone whom I care about could be the most fulfilling relationship a gay man could experience. I would be foolish to deny the wonderful potential such a relationship represents. It would depend on a lot of stuff I don't as yet understand.

I have no doubt that things will proceed apace, but I know the thousand-pound gorilla won’t long remain, sitting out there in the middle of the room.

Go figure

Given my enthusiastic progression from bisexual to homosexual and the ever-insistent nature of my sexuality, I shouldn’t be surprised at my single-minded pursuit of life and lifestyle. Given no choice in being gay, I am not immune to unbidden eagerness in suiting action to genetics. Katie, bar the door.

At some level, coming out of the closet is its own motivation. I was surprised at one point, that in order to legitimately claim my homosexuality I felt I had to indulge my same-sex attraction as often and as expansively as possible. In other words, if I am to say I am gay, I damned well better get out there and do gay.

That in itself is a challenge and demonstrates a frustration with which I have long been familiar. Partners with the same enthusiasm don’t exactly flock to my door. In that light, I continually feel over-sexed. My father told me that when I reached this age, rampant sexuality would fade. But he was wrong. I am one of those people who always think about sex, and continue to enjoy it with substantial physical passion.

The more I act out, the more I want to act out. Such gusto is forgivable, unless of course, I carry it to extremes. Intellectually, I recognize extreme as a slippery slope. In every other respect, especially carnal, I like sliding down hills. My sexual appetites are strong and, uh…eclectic. Given my penchant for what feels good, moderation is a challenge.

I tried to explain this to my friend Joe: the more I get the more I want. He laughed and told me I would mellow out. Damn, I thought, I don’t want to mellow out. I spent 20 years in a closet trying to be mellow. What I have learned in my accumulation of years, is that time flies. I want to get it on.

Being and acting…out

There is a big difference between being gay and acting gay. In Coming Out: An Act of Love by Rob Eichberg, one correspondent said, “I can choose to act gay, I cannot choose to be gay.”

Being gay is something we come to terms with in our own heads. Most gay men know of their same sex attraction early in life. They acknowledge they are gay, and recognize they will be gay during their lifetimes. The first step in coming out as gay involves admitting one’s homosexuality to one’s own self. This step was easier for me because I recognized myself as bisexual and loved it. Homosexual was a refinement that has increased and decreased over time.

Acting gay—acting out—isn’t necessarily about assuming effeminate mannerisms and speech, or dressing and otherwise carrying on flamboyantly. Acting gay is the act of enjoying sex with other men, the proof in the pudding. It is the physical, intellectual and perhaps spiritual attraction. It is the actual carnal act of enjoying sexual relations with another man.

Acting gay is a choice. As many gay men do, we can suppress our urge to act gay and stay in the closet. Even admitting to ourselves and others that we are gay, for whatever reasons, we may choose not to indulge our same-sex attraction. Alternatively, we can make the choice to act on our attractions, to seek and enjoy sex with men.

For me, acting gay was obvious, exciting and by no means difficult. At first, during my second coming out, I felt guilty about having sex with another man. Then I said to myself, “It’s okay; this is what gay men do. I am gay so I can accept and enjoy this pleasure.”

The dichotomy between being and acting is perhaps more poignant to a married man coming out to his wife. For example, after anguish and soul-searching, he can finally admit his orientation to his wife. The wife can accept that her husband is gay as long as he remains faithful and doesn’t act on his inclinations. He can be gay, but he can’t act gay. Depending on the individuals, the nature of their relationship, and boundaries and logistics they define, this can be tortuous or liberating.

One friend advised me on coming out, that once the door was cracked open I would come out with…uh, enthusiasm. That advice has proven correct in being and acting, out and sometimes loud. Actions speak.

A matter of scale

Lots of folks, both homo and hetero, believe bisexual doesn’t exist. Homosexuals believe bisexuality is a phase on the path to realization and enlightenment as homosexual. Heterosexuals believe same sex attraction at any level is homosexual. If a man maintains a relationship with a woman while experiencing—resisting or enjoying—attraction to his own gender, he is deeply in the closet, hiding his orientation behind her skirts.

Bisexuality therefore, is bête noir to both camps, claimed by neither, accepted by none. Yet bisexuality seems a more natural manifestation of human sexuality than either exclusive extreme. It opens the field, doubling the number of prospective partners and greatly expanding potential pleasure.

Two sex researchers recognize a sexual continuum with heterosexuality at one end and homosexuality on the other. Alfred Kinsey wrote, “Males do not represent two discrete populations, heterosexual and homosexual. The world is not to be divided into sheep and goats. It is a fundamental of taxonomy that nature rarely deals with discrete categories…The living world is a continuum in each and every one of its aspects.”

The Klein Sexual Orientation Grid developed subsequently by Fritz Klein takes into account that many people change their orientation over time. He believed the concept of sexual orientation is an ongoing dynamic process, an experience to which I can thoroughly attest.

My most recent evolution from bisexual to gay might be seen to support the gay idea that bisexuality is a transitory phase. Instead, I hold with Dr. Klein that my process changes over time. Although I never have been and never will be exclusively heterosexual, I know damned well bisexual is as much a part of me as homosexual. My dreams tell me so.

Just as I was getting ready to post this, I found a great documentary on bisexuality. The entire movie is over an hour long, but worth a look if you have the time: http://www.logoonline.com/video/bi-the-way/1616890/playlist.jhtml.